What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 00:40
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I don,t even have a pension.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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We all went to grammer schools
I was 9 years of age.
She married twice! .
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
All the time i was locked up.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When was the first time your wife had beastiality?
I said to her
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I will be 64.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It was going to be , some day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She loved him until the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I could never make a relationship work though!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was seconnd youngest,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
What did i know ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Comes on , in middle age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I waited trembling.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was very sick at this time too.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it wasn’t much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i do to all so called friends.?
Put me off passion for life!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im still living with it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My life is so biszare .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was scared of men, in general
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i lived it daily.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I write beautiful poetry .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Ive learnt so much.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My family never makes their pension either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is soul school!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.